


idfc

by t_dragon



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Mentioned Do Kyungsoo | D.O
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-29 13:38:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16745026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/t_dragon/pseuds/t_dragon
Summary: Tell me pretty lies, look me in the faceTell me that you love me, even if it's fake'Cause I don't fucking care, at all





	idfc

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Blackbear's "Idfc" because I love that song

 The door banged closed, and Baekhyun lifted his headset, listening with baited breath for a few seconds.

 There was some fumbling around, someone who stumbled deeper into the small apartment, before a voice rang out into the silent night.

_ “Baekhyunnie! Where is my Baekhyunnie!” _

 Exhaling in relief -  _ he was alone this time _ \- Baekhyun removed his headset fully, knowing that he would get interrupted soon enough anyway to really worry about his game. A few seconds later, his screen showed that he had been killed, but that was okay.

 Instead, Baekhyun got up and walked out of his room, to find the loudmouth calling out his name.

 He found Chanyeol trying to make his way through the dark living room, bumping into their minor furniture as if he was heading straight for them. Drunk out of his mind again. Baekhyun sighed.

 It was not that Baekhyun had anything against alcohol, or people who drank. He could enjoy a beer or two every now and then, and he had no right to get involved in other’s lives. But drunk Chanyeol affected Baekhyun’s own life quite a lot, so he felt a bit disgusted by the alcohol running through his roommate’s system.

 “Chanyeol-” Baekhyun began, reaching out with a hand towards Chanyeol, but before he made contact Chanyeol had spun around so quickly that he lost his balance, throwing his arms around Baekhyun and clinging to him to stay standing.

 “My Baekhyunnie!” Chanyeol slurred, sounding so immensely pleased that it had Baekhyun’s heart squeeze uncomfortably in his chest. “I missed you!”

_ If only that was true. But the lie was sweet enough. _

 “Come on, let’s get you into bed,” Baekhyun sighed, somehow managing to wrestle Chanyeol into a kind of side-hug, and drag him towards his room.

 “So forwards!” Chanyeol giggled, making Baekhyun purse his lips in annoyance. Thankfully, it was too dark and Chanyeol was too drunk to see it.

 Drunk Chanyeol was clingy and loving, willing to give himself to whoever showed even the slightest hint of interest. It was like sober Chanyeol, times a hundred. Sober Chanyeol was lovable and never above helping someone out, and drunk Chanyeol was a mess.

 A pure mess, and being Chanyeol’s roommate, Baekhyun was often subjected to that mess. It kind of came with the whole living-together deal, and very much so when Chanyeol liked to go out to party every weekend.

 Living the college dream.

 Baekhyun was not like Chanyeol. He enjoyed staying at home, playing, just chilling after yet another week filled with stress. He did not mind going out every now and then, meet people and hang, but every weekend? He was nowhere near that extroverted. And kind of very happy that Chanyeol had yet to throw any party at their place.

 But Baekhyun was pretty sure that was just out of consideration for him. Chanyeol most likely knew that Baekhyun did not want that, even though Baekhyun knew he would never tell Chanyeol no. That was just the way they were. Chanyeol was observant, and Baekhyun was weak.

 Finally managing to get the taller into bed, Baekhyun noticed he had - yet again - forgotten to take his shoes off. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, Baekhyun began to untie the laces, pausing as he felt Chanyeol’s eyes on him.

 “What?” Baekhyun asked after having glanced up to confirm that Chanyeol was indeed staring at him.

 Chanyeol smiled warmly at him, his little dimple showing, eyes a bit hazy.

 “You’re so good to me, my Baekhyunnie. The best!” Chanyeol answered, voice slurred more by sleep than alcohol now. His eyelids were starting to look a bit droopy as well. “Lovely Baekhyunnie, love Baekhyunnie…”

 Baekhyun was thankful that Chanyeol’s breathing started to slow down, until it was slow and even, eyelids just slightly open in that lowkey freaky way that signaled that the taller was asleep. Because Baekhyun was pretty sure that his own face was showing his true feelings, cut deep and embossed into his very features.

_ Pretty lies, it was all just pretty lies… _

 

 The morning after found Baekhyun in the kitchen, sipping on some coffee, when Chanyeol made his way outside of the room. One eye open in a squint, hair all over the place, and the shadowy beginnings of stubble, he looked like a mess. Yet Baekhyun’s heart skipped a beat all the same.

 “Hey, Baek,” Chanyeol said as he spotted him, voice rough and hoarse to the point of making Baekhyun wince. “Thanks for helping me last night, and sorry…”

 When drunk, it was Baekhyunnie. When sober, it was Baek. And no matter what state of mind, Baekhyun always acted like it did not matter.

 “No worries,” Baekhyun simply said, nodding towards the coffee machine. “There’s still some left, and warm.”

 Chanyeol flashed him a grateful smile before moving to get himself a cup. As he reached towards the shelf, his shirt rode up a little and gave Baekhyun a peek of his back, and the sight had Baekhyun do a double take and squint.

 Red marks. They were faint, but they were absolutely there. Red, crescent-shaped marks, and there was really only one explanation for them.

 Nauseous, Baekhyun stared down into the black of his coffee, trying to hold the trembling back. Trying to hold the  _ feelings _ back. Go back to pretending that he did not care, that he did not have any feelings, that all was fine.

_ All was not fine. _

 But Baekhyun was a scared fool.

 A scared fool that jumped almost a meter into the air as a large hand placed itself on his shoulder, making him jerk back and look up at Chanyeol, who had somehow managed to sit down by the table in front of him without alerting Baekhyun.

 Chanyeol, who was looking at Baekhyun with his big eyes filled with worry, asking if he was okay, that stupid, attractive frown on his face. Why did it look so good on him, even when he was hungover, with crust at the corners of his eyes and the smell of alcohol still clinging to his skin?

 Clearing his throat, Baekhyun nodded, making a show of stretching a little.

 “Yeah, just tired.”

_ Not completely untrue. _

 Chanyeol’s frown deepened, lips pursing, but Baekhyun had clamped down on his feelings by now, locked them away into the deep recess of the darkest part of his mind, so he was not affected by it.

_ All of Baekhyun’s mind was dark, the feelings always so close to the surface. _

 “Did you stay up late playing again?” Chanyeol asked, getting a nod in answer. “Baek, I know you find it fun, but maybe, I don’t know, take it a bit easy? Too much of something is not good, you know.”

_ I know, too much of you is hurting me, but still I cannot stay away. _

 The truth in that hurt a little bit too much, making Baekhyun unwillingly wince, but he played it off with a chuckle.

 “Yeah, I know, sometimes I just get too involved and forget about other things.”

_ Were they still talking about gaming? Chanyeol was. Baekhyun was not. _

 “I know,” Chanyeol said with a chuckle of his own, leaning back, face relaxing. “I live with you, I’ve seen you get too deep.”

 It was almost funny how right Chanyeol was, without even knowing about it, but Baekhyun felt more like crying than laughing. Matters of the heart were funny that way.

_ Funny was maybe not the word Baekhyun would really use. _

 

 It had been two years now. Two years since they first met, paired up in the tiny dorm room they lived in at first. A year since they decided to share a bigger apartment instead. They had gotten close fast, maybe a bit too fast. Baekhyun remembered that the falling had been fast too, his body speeding past the clouds, making him brace for impact alarmingly soon.

 Not that it had helped, really. But then, neither had the few alcohol-hazy nights in Baekhyun’s bed either.

 His bed always felt too big and too cold in the morning. It still did.

 He knew that Chanyeol’s alcohol-induced words did not mean shit. Not a single thing. But knowing did not mean that he was immune. Not at all.

 And Baekhyun knew that to some extent, Chanyeol meant his words. He did love Baekhyun, just not like that. He loved all of his friends, and Baekhyun was one of them. One of the closest.

 But still just a friend. A beloved friend.

_ Friend. _

 Baekhyun had not cared about that when Chanyeol was marking his flesh with his mouth, letting him mark Baekhyun’s heart with his words as well. Baekhyun had known about his own feelings, he was not stupid, but he told himself that he did not care about his feelings. And then he told himself that he did not care that it was all just lies.

 Oh, so pretty lies - but lies all the same.

 And then, some time later, Baekhyun told himself that he did not care about the person allowed to take place in Chanyeol’s bed. The person who had their skin marked by Chanyeol’s mouth, and maybe also heart marked by Chanyeol’s words. The person that revealed the lies, dragged them into the light, forced Baekhyun to acknowledge them.

_  Lies, lies, lies. _

 Baekhyun forced himself not to care, because Baekhyun was scared. The only thing more painful than the lies and make-believe, was the thought of losing Chanyeol. Baekhyun was scared of losing Chanyeol, and so, he forced himself not to care. To act like he did not even have any feelings.

 Even though his feelings were so large that they carved his heart out of his chest to make place, growing and swallowing more each and every day, aching  _ so fucking bad. _

 All in the foolish hope of staying a little longer, of maybe one day get his feelings reciprocated. Even though Baekhyun knew he was the biggest fool for thinking that would ever happen.

 Sure, they had slept together a few times, but that was it. Just playing around some, exploring and experimenting. Because Chanyeol was bi-curious, with a preference for women, and Baekhyun was his dirty little secret. Not that Chanyeol ever made Baekhyun feel like a dirty little secret, but Baekhyun knew what he was. It was not the first time he had been down this particular road.

 But it was the first time he had gotten his tires so irrevocably stuck in the mud.

 Maybe there would be a drought soon, to let the mud dry and help Baekhyun get out. Maybe the ‘Baekhyunnie’s and the ‘love you’s would stop, maybe the hugs and touches would stop, and allow for Baekhyun to continue on.

_ Baekhyun hoped that day would never come. _

 

 Shame filled Baekhyun as he stood in the shower, body hunched over and one hand against the cool tile to keep himself upright. Not by what he was doing, per se, because Baekhyun knew that it was completely healthy and good and whatnot to masturbate - but because of the images that Baekhyun was getting off to. They were not many, and they were rather blurry, memorized from a time when his mind was exploding with alcohol and pleasure, but they were there.

 Chanyeol lips on his. Chanyeol hands on his body. Chanyeol’s dick moving inside of him. Chanyeol Chanyeol  _ Chanyeol _ . Everywhere and all around and inside of Baekhyun, filling him up and embracing him. Because Baekhyun was weak like that, because Baekhyun had  _ feelings _ , because those few memories was all Baekhyun wanted to be his normal, everyday life.

 Only Chanyeol, and Chanyeol’s lips, Chanyeol’s hands, Chanyeol’s dick-

 Baekhyun bit down hard on his lower lip as he came, scared of the name that wanted to slip past his lips, watching in disgust as the white slowly slid down the drain.

 How fucked up was it not to jack off to your roommate slash friend while he was just in the other room?

_ So fucked up, but all of this was fucked up. _

 Sighing heavily, Baekhyun tried to ignore the heavy feeling of uncomfortableness that settled over him as he finished cleaning up, washing away all traces of what he had done, wishing he could wash it away from his memories as well. Wash away all of his feelings, leave him squeaky clean and naked, without this jumbled mess inside of him.

_  Who was he kidding, Baekhyun would never be free of the mess, and he would never want to. _

 

 Another weekend night, another party night for Chanyeol. This time, Baekhyun had joined. Gave in as the taller  _ pleaded _ for him to come along, for some reason. Baekhyun would quickly wish he had stayed firm in his ‘no’, and stayed home.

_ Such a fool for Park Chanyeol. _

 It did not take long before Chanyeol was getting tipsy, and even shorter after that before he was pulled away by a girl who was all long legs and curves and beaming smiles. Suddenly, Baekhyun felt like he was experiencing a hangover, head throbbing and stomach rebelling. And he had barely had one beer yet.

 It was not long after that that Baekhyun left, eyes dry but stinging, texting Kyungsoo to ask if he could stay over.

 A heavy sigh and  _ “You’re such a fucking mess” _ was what greeted Baekhyun when he arrived at Kyungsoo’s, before he was pulled inside, spending the night in Kyungsoo’s bed and trying not to think, to feel, to remember, to  _ cry. _

_ Because he really was such a fucking mess. _

 

 Chanyeol was sitting by the table in the kitchen the next day when Baekhyun entered. Head heavy and painful, Baekhyun did not really feel like seeing Chanyeol, but Chanyeol seemed to have some plan of confronting Baekhyun, messing up his plans of collapsing into his bed to pity himself a bit longer.

 “Where did you go last night?”

 Baekhyun came to a stop in the living room, looking over at Chanyeol in surprise. Why was he sounding so… Cold?

 “Kyungsoo’s,” Baekhyun answered truthfully. “I wasn’t feeling well.”

_ Lovesick. I am a lovesick fool. _

 “Then why didn’t you go home?” Chanyeol asked, that stupidly handsome frown on his face again. “If you’re not feeling well then you head home, right?”

 Baekhyun shrugged, knowing very well why he had decided on going to Kyungsoo, but not feeling like telling Chanyeol.

 “I don’t know, I felt like it, why is it a big deal?” he asked, watching as Chanyeol’s frown deepened.

 “Why is it a big deal? You suddenly disappeared in the middle of a party, and I spent  _ so long _ looking for you, panicking because I couldn’t find you, and then when I decided to go home because you had to be here, right, you weren’t here,” Chanyeol answered, tone accusing, and it had Baekhyun’s skin crawl. “Which made me even more worried, and when you didn’t answer your phone I swear I was so fucking close to calling the police-”

 Baekhyun’s chuckle interrupted Chanyeol’s rambling. Baekhyun’s uncomfortable chuckle.

 “Aren’t you overreacting a little, Chanyeol?”

 Chanyeol’s frown disappeared, becoming replaced by a deceptively calm expression, but Baekhyun could see the black fires in his eyes, sending a shiver down Baekhyun’s spine.

 “Overreacting? No, Baekhyun, I was fucking worried about you, and I think anyone would be worried about their friend if they suddenly went missing, not picking up any calls-”

_ Friend. _

 Baekhyun did not know if it was the rapidly increasing pounding in his head, the way his chest suddenly felt so small and cramped, heart squeezed so painfully together, or the images of Chanyeol with others, with  _ girls _ , that was suddenly blowing through Baekhyun’s mind, but something just made him snap.

 “Oh, please, stop the fucking pretend, we all know you were all over that girl and weren’t sparing me any thoughts,” Baekhyun spit out, voice so venomous, taking some pleasure in the way Chanyeol jerked in his seat. “Like always, hoes before bros, right? You probably didn’t even notice I was gone until several hours after I left! Did she decide on telling you no? Is that why you suddenly remembered me? Byun Baekhyun, the stand-in for whenever Park Chanyeol doesn’t manage to bring home another conquest!”

 “Is that what you think you are?” Chanyeol asked, voice so quiet and filled with so much hurt, but Baekhyun was on a roll now, Baekhyun could not stop.

 “I know that’s what I fucking am, Chanyeol, believe it or not, but you’re not the first straight boy who’s crossed my bed in curiosity! Sure, you’re the first to end up there time after time again while still clinging to your heterosexuality, but you’re not the first curious one. Do you want to know why I left, why I  _ really _ left?” Baekhyun asked, harshly, ignoring how hesitant Chanyeol suddenly was, seemingly not able to decide if he should say yes or no, Baekhyun just powered on. “Because I’m so fucking tired of seeing you with all of these girls plastered over you! I’m so fucking tired of stumbling into bed with your sweet nothings in my ear, telling me you  _ love _ me and shit, just to wake up cold and alone and have to witness you clinging to someone else the very next day. I’m so fucking tired of telling myself not to believe a single word you said, just to later realize that once again I fucked up, and believed, and allowed myself to  _ feel _ , just to get hurt again! I pretend I don’t fucking care, but I care so fucking much!”

 Baekhyun was heaving after he finished, chest rising and falling rapidly, gulping down lungfuls of air yet feeling like he could not breathe. Should he not feel relieved over finally telling Chanyeol? Why did it feel like he was breaking apart and drowning?

_ Fuck fuck fuck! _

 Chanyeol was just staring in disbelief, mouth dropped open, and Baekhyun had to close his eyes and turn away, unable to stand looking at him.

 “Y-you know what, forget it,” Baekhyun tiredly rasped out, dragging a hand over his face as he tried to keep the tears back. He really did not want to cry right now… “Forget it. I’m going out.”

 Chanyeol did not try to stop Baekhyun. Chanyeol did not speak a single word.

_ Baekhyun’s heart was left flopping pathetically on the floor in front of Chanyeol, shrivelling up and dying, reducing to nothing but mere ashes. _


End file.
